guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
