I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
They took my balls.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I currently don't understand fingers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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