the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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