I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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