shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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