hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
