cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
