The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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