How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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