Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
