you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
