This is not my ceiling
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
