i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I love you. Go after that dick
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
