i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
