I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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