I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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