Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
