I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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