please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
