I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
