Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
