do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
