when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
