Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
