"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
