Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
