Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can't motorboat a personality
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
