my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Randomize
