for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
should my penis look like a turkey
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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