Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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