Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
