pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
