if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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