2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
