im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
