New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
