Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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