I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
