Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
