Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Bring me that man meat
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
