I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
