you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
