That's when you crack a 10am beer
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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