So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
