Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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