I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
