Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
