Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
