rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
