Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
