Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just pee around me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
