I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dick very happy bro
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
