The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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