is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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