The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
A+ Viking dick
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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