new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
