Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
