A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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