I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
