So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
