it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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