well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
