I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
